The oul wye

A houl ye A’ll gie ye a spiel that’ll maybe draw a lauch oot o’ ye. It consarns oul Willy M‘Kenzie wie a bit o’ grun at the fit o’ the hill whare he his fifty acre o’ brave grun but thee hunner o’ oul scrub on the hill. Hisel an the weechil that’s quat the scholarin, young Wully maks this new fangled silage in a big hoose that he got siller fae the Ministry tae pit up. Noo Wully was nae great shakes at this new Environment stuff an just dug a sheugh fae the pit tae the neardest burn an piped it sae nabody wud ken it was there tae tak a’ the oul slurry awaw fae the pit.

Noo Wully lets oot the hill ivery year tae the nearby gun club fer rugh shootin an the club meets aboot fower times ivery wunter an spring. Noo it jest cam aboot that the twa Wullys wur pittin in silage o’ the first cut an the sheugh blocked up wae tartles o’ oul gress an young Wully apened it up in twa places an left them apen. It so happened that yin Setterday the Gun Club come tae shoot the hill an as luk wud hae it the Inspector o’ Polis wus wi them fae the nearby Berreks an had tae wak doon by the apened sheugh. Oul Wully kent fine weel the Inspector wud ken whit wus gaun on an richt enough Wully got a summons tae appear at the Petty Sessions in the toon an was docked twenty-five pun for pollutin a raver. Wully pied up his twenty-five pun at the Coort an cum hame. In aboot a week’s time the Inspector driv intae Wully’s yerd in his ain ker an got oot.

He spoke very civil tae Wully an toul him that although he prosecuted Wully at Coort it wasnae him that clypted on him as he decided tae turn a blin’ ee tae the effluent as Wully was wile good at lettin them park in his yerd whun there wus a shoot, an the Inspector was gey fand o a shot. But Wully toul him richt awa that he knowed it wusnae him that clypted an this sot the Inspector a bit abak.

He then wunnered if it was ony o’ the gun club that toul the Polis but Wully put him richt awa an’ spoke up.

Sez Wully “A thocht ye micht clype on me an A got wee Sammy M‘Dowell tae come up tae see me an A toul him tae ring the DOE an tell them he had information whare a burn wus bein polluted but that he wanted pied for this information an A toul him tae houl oot for fifty pun. Weel he got the fifty pun, an A got the Summons an he gied me twunty-five an kep twunty-five tae hisell an A pied the fine”.

Wae that the Inspector lot oot a big trevelly o’ a lauch an sez “I shall dine out on this one for many a long day” an wae that he sot aff fur his car wae his shouthers gaen ap an doon an driv aff.

Oul Wully loot oot a snort and hefted a lang tailed shovel oer his shouther an wint doon the loanen tae fill up the sheugh.

Ernest McA Scott