The Minister’s Speech

Oul Sam Tamson wus a pig butcher in my hame village o Bellynure many a year gan by. He wus a brave size o a buddy an he rid an oul shickle o a bike wae heegh hanlebars whore he hung ivery piece o hes trade an ither things forby.

Hes clathes wus fit tae stan’ up theresels wae dried pig’s blud an he chouded pigtail tabacca, no geein a deng whore he sput.

Sam wus coonted tae be yin o the best pig-stickers in the district an man he wus prime at snarin an oul soo that wus a bit contrary an boys whun he clooted hir atween the een wae his wee streekin hemmer an she went doon, his oul gully wusny lang in slittin her thrapple.

Noo Sam didny aften gang tae Kirk but hooaniver he coonted hesel a guid Christian as he sheered the Presbyterian Meenister’s privet hedges ivery year fer nathin an man there wus plenty o hedges roon the Manse. Sam didny cheerge onythin fer hes work an the raisin fer this wus that the Congregation belangin tae the oul man wus only geein him fowre pun a week o a steepin tae leeve on an this wus in the Fifties.

Forby the oul man had preeched for forty twa years tae the folk an wus as blin as a bat an had tae read oot o the Bible wae yin o thon glesses wae a hannel an he hud a poorful habit o saying “evidently so, evidently so” whun toul aboot something he wasny aquaint wae.

Noo, yin simmers nicht Sam wus sheerin awa et the hedges a the bak o the Manse an deng it, did no the sheers brek clean ahint the hannel. Noo Sam kent full weel that the oul man cudny afford tae buy a new pair, but he tuk them tae the bak dure an the oul man cum oot an Sam seys tae him “Luk, yer Riverence, yer sheers hae brok bit if ye luk a bit nearer ye’ll see there wus a hair crak in the hannel that made them brek”.

Hes Riverence cudny harly see the sheers niver mine the hair-crak, but true tae form, seys “evidently so Sam, evidently so” an went bak intay the hoose.

Sam wus a bit curious aboot whut he ment but no tae be ootdone he hud jist quat killin pigs at a nieboors ferm an wus gettin a drap o tay in the kitchen an jest takin the tap aff hes biled egg whun he toul the fermer what happened the sheers an spiered what the oul man ment whun he sed “Evidently so, Sam, Evidently so” whun he showed him the sheers.

Without movin a muscle in hes face the fermer fixed Sam wae a stern glance an sez tae him

Tamson, yer yin fool bugger, dae ye no ken that thats the Presbyterian meenesters wye o sayin “Yer a bloody liar”.

Sam wus suitably impressed but niver went bak tae sheer the Manse hedges.

Ernest McA Scott