Tha Nicht tha Wurl wus Fu’

A left tha pub tha ither nicht,

Dae ye know, mae sowl, A feel’t aricht,

But I hae a tale I’d lake tae tell,

Aboot tha heppenins that tae me befell.

Tha street luked different in a soart o’ a wye,

An’ yinst it ruz up an’ blackened mae eye,

Tha street lamps wur movin’ an’ dancin’ aboot,

D’ye ken, boys, the wurl wus as fu’ as a troot.

A wa’ked on tha hard road tae avoid the big crush,

An’ A had a disagreemint wae a boortree bush,

For out o’ a loanin’ it bounced wi’oot warnin’,

An tha wurds frae mae lips wur far frae charmin’.

Noo, I met aul’ John Tamson, wha leeves ower tha hill,

Ye ken whit heppened nixt, wud mak ye feel ill,

For I met him fower times, an’ me stannin’ still,

Tha thochts in mae heid wur o’ makin’ a will.

Whaur tha road wus ie flet, it noo wus sae hilly,

If I hadnae bain feart, I wud a thocht it gie an’ silly,

An whiles tae stap missin’ tha road, athegither,

A tuk tae tha crawlin’, wae mae neb in tha heather.

Tha traffic I sa’ seemed sae strange an’ obscene,

Thae a’ blowed their hoarns an’ waved lake tha Queen,

An’ whiles for sum raisin thae swerved ower tha hedge,

An’ left mae in swithers, an’ mae narves a’ on edge.

An whun A got hame tha hoose wus sae strange,

Tha dresser wus birlin’ a’ roon wae tha range,

Tha cups an’ tha sassers wur a’ flyin’ thro’ tha air,

An a crabit aul doll hut mae ower tha heid wae a chair.

Sae tae escape tha strange wurl that a fun maesel in,

A tuk aff tae tha pub wae a hap an’ a rin,

But A niver got there. Och boys, it’s a sin,

For A knocked maesel coul’ whun A fell ower a bin.

Sae tae avoid this iver heppenin’ tae me agen,

Tha plan in mae heid is iver sae plain,

Afore leein’ tha pub mak sure yer haf lit,

Joost tae mak sure for ony shocks ye ir fit.