The Dance

Author: The Wizard

Date: 1998

Source: Ullans: The Magazine for Ulster-Scots, Nummer 6 Simmer 1998


“The Wizard”, Ballymoney

Lang ago whun I wus young an wedges wusnae big

Six poun ten for fifty oors lukin efter auld Moore’s pigs

Whun Ah got my first weeks wedges I wus in a kine a trance

I luked at my twarthy shillin an says I, I’m for a dance.

So I polished up my beetle boots an geen mysel a steep

If they play a wheen o’ waltzes I’ll birl them aff thir feet

So I sprayed alo my oxters an poothered a my feet

In case that they got scadded way dancin in the heat.

I luked intae the lukin’ gless boys I wus lukin’ sharp

Then I struck aff tae M‘Lernons for a pint or two o’ Harp

For a couple maks you bouler for chattin tae the weemin

But tak it hurrid canny for they dinae lake ye steamin.

Well I wheeled oot the auld bicycle an put on baith my clips

Tae keep my new bell bottoms fae crackin lake a whip

It was a ticht auld push again the win

An may poor legs wus sore

But I could think o’ naethin but birlin roon the floor

When iver I got near the hall I already hard the band

So I fired the auld bicycle behin a creamry stan.

I surveyed the hall a occupants with a very casual glance

They were hurckled up in corners, well says I, I’m here tae dance

Oh as nice a bunch o’ lasses as you’d ever hope tae meet

But the only yin that wud dance way me had pirfa size o’ feet.

She wus six fit three an sixteen stone way shoothers lake a horse

The only thing that helped her wus her freen wus even worse

For she had legs lake horses hems an her jas wus clappit in

Her hair wus lake a sookit rine an Lord but she wus thin.

The big yin riz an I luked up at the stibbles on her chin

An the hair alo her oxters wud a minded yeh on whins

Well she grabbed me lake a rassler I hard my wee ribs crackin’.

Says she I iways dance way hir so I’m nae use at the backin’.

Well the band it started pleying an she let oot the clutch

Not an ither sowl got on the flure she wus spaltering that much

She luked tae hae some freckles her legs wus mazled way the fire

But thon freckles wusnae freckles she’d been brushin’ oot the byre.

When the waltz wus ower she set me on a form

An drew a cloot across her broo

An I im dampt its warm

Says I, I’m gan out for a smoke I’ll see you in a minute

She produced an ounce a Warhorse fae some where doon her simmit.

Says I young lasses shoodnae smoke

Says she aye that’s the truth

An sniked a wallop aff it an stuck it in her mooth

She says noo joost you sit there for I man go doon the stairs

The auld thin yin she went wae her for they seemed tae hunt in pairs

I waited for a minute tae I got her in the loo

Says I if you’re tae escape fae thon ye better dae it noo

I ran while I wus able tae where the bicycle wus hidden

For I wus gled an thankfa tae be redd o’ thon big midden.

They say she owned her ain wee farm but even she had two

The thocht o’ thon big wummin makes me trimmle even noo

Imagine thon gan intae bed it would mak your blid rin coul

Wae her gless eye in a jampot an her false teeth in a boul.



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